Standup Comedy
by AkuniAkiraAoshi
Summary: Hahaha just something i doodled during a test....enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**Standup Comedy**

Yup yup tis I Akuni-san here to spread the word of….me of course. heh heh sorry sugar high at the moment oh well…time to get on with the story hope you all like it. So yah tis my first fic so be gentle no flames please.

Disclaimer: I dun own nothing bout Yugioh.

**Chapter 1**

_T'was a regular bright and sunny day in Domino…the birds were singing, the children laughing, thugs robbed the Turtle Game shop…_

Grandpa: "YA DAMN KIDS COME BACK HE, ah screw it." Walks off to sleep.

_Yes just a regular day…let's check in on Kaiba._

_Kaiba was driving home from school one day well, being driven by his limo chauffeur. His chauffeur then took a right turn which left him dumbstruck…_

Kaiba: ((O.O)) "Driver why'd you take that turn."

Driver "What turn?"

Kaiba:" The turn right in front of my Mansion…"

Driver: "Well why didn't you say something?"

Kaiba: "Uhm…you're the driver here."

Driver: "Well I'm blind in one eye ya know."

Kaiba: ((o.o)) "And the other eye?"

Driver: "….oh that's why God gave us two eyes."

Kaiba: ((--)) "That's it I'm deducting your pay."

Driver: "B-But Sir…you barely pay me at all. I only get 50 cents a week."

Kaiba: "And now you'll be getting 30 cents a week."

Driver: "But sir I have a wife and kids and…"

Kaiba: "Do I hear 10?"

Driver: "No sir." He quickly shut his mouth.

Kaiba: "Good." An empty building caught his eye. "DRIVER STOP!"

Driver: He smashed the brakes. "Geez…what is it?"

Kaiba: "That place do I own it?"

Driver: "How the hell should I know?"

Kaiba: He dialed a number on his cell phone. "Good help is so hard to find."

Lady over phone: "Hello Kaiba corp. How may I assist you today?"

Kaiba: "Yeah yeah save it…Do I own the building on 33rd street?"

Lady over phone: "I'm sorry Mister Kaiba."

Kaiba: "You'll be sorry if I don't own that building by this afternoon."

Lady over phone: ((OO)) "uh…erm…yes sir!"

Kaiba: Hangs up. "Great so I'll turn it into a night club and the grand unveiling shall be on FRIDAY!"

Driver: "And the act?"

Kaiba: "Huh?"

Driver: "You can't have a club and no act or entertainment…also who'd let a kid run their own club anyway?"

Kaiba: ((--)) "That's it you ungrateful sap you're fired! Or at least until I can replace you…now drive me back to my Mansion. I need words of wisdom."

_**Back at Kaiba's Mansion…**_

Kaiba: "Mokuba I need your help."

Mokuba: "I'm glad you came to me in your time of need."

Kaiba: "I have a new club but I have no act…what do I do?"

Mokuba: "Well you could just…"

Kaiba: "DAMMIT MOKUBA THAT WON'T WORK!" he began to think really hard. "Wait! I've got it…I'll just ask the gang and they'll do it with the right persuasion of course."

Mokuba: "But that's exactly what I was going to…"

Kaiba: "Sorry Mokuba I don't have time to talk see ya at dinner." He ran out to the car and decided to drive himself he had already fired the driver and the new one was on his way.

Mokuba: "Bitch."

_**Driver's POV**_

-Gee…So this is what its like to be fired eh….hmm…sure is empty in my mind.-

He began walking.

"Hm…walking walking still walking….ohh a penny.**" (())**

(A.N. - he's retarded but that's overdoing it a bit.)

_**Normal POV**_

_**At the Turtle Game Shop…**_

Yugi: "Well I guess maybe Tea."

Yami: "No way! Mai…"

Yugi: "But Tea…Tea has…"

Yami: "But not as big as Mai's"

Tea: "They're talking about our chests."

Mai: "Everyone knows that you don't compare to mine Tea"

Tea: ((lol)) "You know we're sort of sitting right here."

Yami: "And?"

Tea: ((--;))

Rebecca: "I need implants…" Runs out.

Kaiba: Barges in. "I need to talk with you!"

Yugi: "HEY! Did you wipe your feet?"

Kaiba: "yeah sure whatever. Listen I have a new club and I'll let you guys in for free all of you if some of you volunteer to act. So what do ya say?"

Yugi: "Well…since you are our enemy/friend/business dude/school mate….we gladly accep"

Yami: He put his hand over Yugi's mouth. "How much does it pay?"

Kaiba: He sighed he knew I would come to this. "$20 000…each."

Bakura: ((OoO)"WHOA MAMA! "

Yami: "When'd you get here?"

Bakura: "I was always here…no one bothered to look."

Tristan: Barges in. "Has anyone seen Ryou?"

Bakura: "Why? You stalking him again?"

Tristan: "NO!...yes…maybe…"

Bakura: "I think he went down the corner"

Tristan: "Thanks! RYOU!" He ran out.

Joey: "Tristan was the last person I'd suspect to be gay."

Everyone: Glaring at him.

Joey: "What?"

Kaiba: "uhm…people back to me…"

Yugi: "Oh right sorry…what were we talking about?"

Kaiba: "I'M OFFERING YOU CASH!"

Bakura: "WE ACCEPT!"

Yami: "Is there anything you won't do for cash?"

Bakura: "nope."

Yami: under his breath "Tomb robber…"

Kaiba: "Great just be there at 5:00 on the dot I don't take kindly to tardiness." He walked out.

Rebecca: walks in. "I'm back!" With a bigger chest.

Yugi and Yami: ((O.O)) "WHOA BABY!"

Duke: "I have seen the lord's sight and the lord is good." ((TxT))

Mai: "It isn't that big…"

Tea: "Bloody hell." ((lol))

Ryou: Crawls out from under that table. "Is it safe to come out?"

Bakura: ((XX)) "Crap! What happened to you? You look worse than Tea on a good day."

Tea: Hits him with a rolling pin. "Shut up you!"

Ryou: "I'm hiding…from Tristan…"

Joey: "That's kinda obvious."

Tristan: Barges in again.

Yugi: "Dammit! Doesn't anyone knock anymore!"

Tristan: "Sorry but I thought I heard." Looks around. "RYOU!" charges to tackle him.

Ryou: "not again…FANGIRLS PROTECT ME!" Runs away leaving them to his bidding.

Fangirls: randomly appear and pummel Tristan.

Duke: "Dude pretend they're Ryou."

Tristan: Starts stripping to the tune I'm too Sexy playing in his head.

Fangirls: "AHHHHHHH!"Jump out the window

Tristan: Holds up a penny Ryou dropped. "With this penny as my witness….I SHALL FIND YOU!"

Grandpa: "YOU KIDS STOP MAKING SO MUCH DAMN NOISE!"

Tristan: whispers. "Sorry"

**Well that's it for now…tell me if I should continue my Fanfic days…Akuni-san out! XD Peace hey!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Standup Comedy**

**Akuni here bringing you the second chappy…sigh thank you all for your kind and generous reviews…grumble grumble right sooo…..anyway I'm high up on da food chain so let's get on with it.**

**Disclaimer: I dun own Yugioh or anything but my clothes.**

Chapter 2

_Today's the big day when Kaiba's club finally takes a turn for the better…it opens…now the show starts at 6:00 it is now 4:00 two hours to go….can Kaiba hold out till then?_

Kaiba: pacing around. "Dammit where the hell are they!"

Mokuba: "You told them 5:00…its 4:00 now Seto."

Kaiba: "Fine"

**_5:01…_**

Kaiba: "Where are they!"

Mokuba: "Give em some time Seto."

Kaiba: "Fine!"

Yugi: walks in with the gang trailing behind him. "Hey we're here."

Kaiba: "Where the hell were you! You're all late! I said 5:00 its 5:01 now!"

Duke: "Don't get your boxers in a bunch."

Yami and Yugi: Snickers

(A.N-not the candy!XD)

Bakura: "This is all the pharoah's fault"

Yami: "What'd I do?"

Bakura: "I told you not to stop for that bagel pharaoh!"

Yami: "I was hungry!"

Kaiba: "Whatever! Look just tell me who's staying."

Rebecca: "I'll stay I was born to be a star!"

Kaiba: "You and a lotta others honey…who else?"

Tristan: "Where's my Ryou?"

Bakura: Stares at Tristan then grins evilly "I'll stay hehehe…"

: "I'll stay also."

Kaiba: "Who the hell are you?"

?" "…"

Kaiba: "Who the hell are you?"

?" "…"

Kaiba: "Fine who the fuck are you!"

: "please refrain from cursing…and I'll help with your show."

Kaiba: "Fine cool anyone else?"

Pegasus: "I'll help out…"

Kaiba: "You….oh hell no."

Pegasus: "Come on Kaiba boy, what do you have to lose?"

Kaiba: "My sanity…fine anyone else?"

Joey: "ooh ohh me me pick me!" Waves his hands around like a madman.

Kaiba: "Dear God no!"

Joey: "Come on….pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaasseeeeeee…"

Kaiba: "Aw dammit….FINE! don't screw this up…alright get seated. Its about to start."

Joey: "Yesss"

Mokuba: "Big brother its 5:04…"

Kaiba: "G-God Dammit!" Smashes clock.

**_6:00…_**

_Everyone's all seated and the show's about to start…well…let's see how I can twist this eh?_

Kaiba: Spotlight falls on Kaiba."Alright already settle down…" Clears throat,"Thank you all for coming to the opening night of my club…we have a great show for you tonight so hope y'all enjoy it. Our first act will be…Rebecca Hawkins!"

Audience: Applaud.

Rebecca: Walks out in a coat. "Thank you thank you all. Today I'm here to show off my new chest."Takes coat off.

Audience: ((OoO)) WHOA!

Mai: (( )) "It ain't that big!"

Rebecca: "Jealous Mai?"Smirks.

Mai: "You wish brat!"

Rebecca: "Hey you want a piece of me!"

Mai: "Bring it on bitch!" Pounces on her they start to wrestle.

Audience: "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!"

Kaiba: "Alrighty then…so…on to our next act…Bakura!"

Audience: Applaud.

Bakura: Walks out with Ryou chained to his arm. "Thank you all." Does a doggy whistle. "Here boy." Dangles Ryou.

Ryou: (( )) "THIS IS CRUELTY TO ANIMALS!...I MEAN HUMANS!"

Tristan: Pops his head up from under the table. "RYOU!"

Ryou: "NOOOOOOO!" Runs away. "FREEEEDOMMM!" Gets pounced on by Fangirls. "Shit!"

Bakura: Captures Tristan. "Alright I'll be demonstrating the wonderful world of archery."

Yami: "Shit! I'm getting outta here!" Runs out.

Bakura: Ties Tristan to a target board, puts an apple on his head, points arrow at him. "I think its only fair to warn you I have no idea what the hell I'm doing."

Tristan: "Uhm….shouldn't you blindfold me for this?"

Bakura: "Now where's the fun in that? Remember you started this by stalking Ryou." Prepares to fire arrow.

Tristan: "OK OK! I WON'T STALK HIM ANYMORE JUST PLEEEEEEEEEEEASSSSSSSSSEEEE SPARE ME!"

Bakura: "hmm…promise?"

Tristan: "PROMISE!" Cries.

Bakura: "Ok…" Fires arrow it hits the apple on his head. "And you thought I didn't know what I was doing…ha!"

Tristan: ((XX)) Pissed himself.

Bakura: "Can someone remove that?"

Duke: "Will do…." Grins then puts his body in his car drives off.

Bakura: Twitching uncontrollably.

Kaiba: Throws Bakura off the stage. "You're running long…Right so….on to our next act…the Mystery Man…Lady...Thing?"

: Walks out doing a dance to some slow music.

Audience: ((OoO)) "WHOA!"

: Music gets upbeat then it starts stripping. Shows a little leg.

Audience: (( )) "YEAH!"

: Shows a little ass.

Audience: "WHOOOT!"

: Reveals himself to be Yugi's Grandpa.

Audience: ((XX))

Yami: Walks back in. "Is it safe toHOLY HORSE SHIT!" Faints.

Yugi: Blushing lightly. "Can this get any more embarrassing?"

Tea: "Yeah! WHOO! SHAKE THAT ASS!"

Yugi: "I stand corrected." Sinks in his seat.

Kaiba: "Someone remove that monstrosity."

Two muscular guards: "We aim to please mister Kaiba."

**_They throw out Mister Moto and Tea…_**

Kaiba: "I didn't mean the girl but nice work." Stares out into the Audience.

Audience: ((XX)) Still scarred from mister moto's performance.

Kaiba: "Right let's brake here before we cause any more emotional damage."

**Akuni-san here…how'd yall like that? So pleasant reviewing. Akuni out! XDlol I'm your lil Neko kitty 3 purrrr….kitty girl is me.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Standup Comedy**

**I can't believe it lasted this long…TxT I've never been so happy. sniff sniff you guys rock! XD…clears throat so right thanks for reading this and hope you guys enjoy the final chapter of Standup Comdey. Thank you all for your generous reviews…AKUNI HERE!XDXDXDXD**

**Disclaimer: I dun own Yugioh…sadly.**

**Chapter 3**

Kaiba: Walks out after the break. "Okay…so how'd y'all like the acts so far?"

Audience: ((XX)) still scarred from Mister Moto's performance.

Guy in Audience: cough

Kaiba: "Riiiiight so anyways…" Clears throat. "Why don't we move on to our surprise act Pegasus!"

Pegasus: Walks onto the stage looking gangsta.

(A.N. - no dissing any Pegasus fans or possible gangstas out there)

Kaiba: "Dear lord…" Slaps his forehead.

Pegasus: "Hey y'all wave your hands in the air…wave your hands in the air."

Audience: ((lol)) /thinking/ _he's joking right…_

Pegasus: " Uh Uh Uh Kaiba boy, how are you, what's up? what's new? I'm rapping in your club dog…yeah my home doggy…wassup!"

Kaiba: Twitching uncontrollably. "Get him out now please!"

Two Muscular Guys: "We aim to please." Throw him out.

Pegasus: "Player don't be hatin!" Lands in a dumpster.

Kaiba: "Okay then…….let's move on for now…to our final act…" Let's out a heavy sigh. "Joey Wheeler."

Audience: ((o.O)) Gasps.

Kaiba: "Yes Joey Wheeler."

Joey: Walks out onto the stage. "Hiya folks!"

Audience: "Hiya Joey!"

Joey: "Now now let's all thank Kaiba for a wonderful evening shall we."

_**Spotlight falls on Kaiba…**_

Kaiba: Over phone. "Is it possible to get psychiatric help for over 100 people?"

Audience: ((O.O))

Joey: "Riight, so anyways…like I was saying before…people have some weird obsessions man. Like my friend Ryou…Whoo! Does that guy have an obsession for pie…Damn!"

Guy in Audience: "TELL US JOEY!"

Joey: "I mean whoa people he takes obsession to a whole new level…I mean he married the thing.

Audience: Laughs.

Ryou: "eh hehehe…" Forces a smile then sinks into his seat blushing.

Joey: "Feeling a little embarrassed eh buddy….well don't be…I've had my share of obsessions though I never ate my wife….Hell! I never had a wife.

Audience: Bursts out laughing.

Ryou: "Its true." Holds a picture of pie. "PIE! I miss you…" Bursts into tears.

Bakura: "What happened to your fangirls?"

Fangirls: "WE LOVE MOKUBA!"

Mokuba: "When you got it you got it…"

Bakura: "Oh oh…damn he's good…"

Joey: "Well cry me a river….I'm sure we've all felt sad before…especially over that damn Trix Rabbit, huh? Huh?"

Guy in the Audience: "Its true." Blows his nose. "I mean why can't they just give him some cereal?"

Joey: "I remember once we were walking through the forest and I saw the most pathetic excuse of an anime character I've ever seen in my life! What was his name? oh yeah…KUWABARA!"

Audience: Falls over laughing.

Joey: "Even his name sucks."

Kuwabara: Comes through a time portal ripped on the stage. "HEY! I HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT SO SEXY IT"

Audience: ((XX)) forever scarred.

Kaiba: "Get this guy OUTA HERE!

Muscular Guards: "We get paid overtime for this…." Grins evily and throws him back in the portal.

Joey: Wearing a poison gas mask. "That's the worst kind of poison folks….well I'm scarred enough see y'all next time!" Walks off coolly.

Audience: JOEY! JOEY! JOEY! JOEY!

Kaiba: "Joey Wheeler folks!"

Audience: Cheers.

Kaiba: "That's all for now see you next time."

Audience: Make their way to the door.

Kaiba: "Joey that was amazing….we'll do this again you opening act." Pats him on the back then walks off.

Bakura: "Where'd you learn to be so funny?"

Joey: "Ebay and this book."

Bakura: " 'A dum-dum's guide to easy stand-up comedy' what the fuck!"

Joey: "Exactly."

Bakura: ((-.-)) "I dun get it"

Joey: "Right." Turns and hits up into a light post. "Oh dear pain."

Bakura: "Oh now I get it…"

_And so they al walk off into the night all cool and stuff, and except Kaiba of course, forgot the whole thing had ever happened and thought it all a silly dream…..stupid lack monkeys._

**So that's it hope you enjoyed it….I love you reviewers! XD peace out.**


End file.
